Turning Over A New Leaf, One And All

Sydney Morning Herald

Saturday December 13, 2008

JAMES BONE

Monday

Today we decided to take the bull by the horns, draw a line in the sand, turn over a new leaf and re-enter the job market.

Much as we love day trading, it's time to expand our horizons and get "proper jobs", as our girlfriends and wives describe them.

Roxy, FastCash's girlfriend - whose proper job involves home lap-dancing visits - has little confidence in us. She reckons we're unemployable but "hey, it's worth a try".

She made the point that after a decade of day trading we've become fairly marginal, socially inept people. I felt her haughty tone a little unbecoming from someone who strips for bankers in the comfort of their own homes or hotel rooms, but let it go.

Tuesday

Our job hunting got off to a promising start.

Yogi, our senior chartist, attended an interview this morning with a "leading multinational". He was successful, it seems.

"They offered me a job as international marketing executive," he said.

"What will you be marketing?" wondered FastCash, our head of research.

"I'm not sure. They said they'd get back to me with that."

"Did they say where you'll be marketing whatever it is?"

"Around the world I guess. That's why I'm international marketing manager. But they'll get back to me with those details. But they're very confident in my abilities: they patted me on the shoulder and showed me the door."

"Yoges," wondered Drew Watson, our stock-picking expert, "if you don't mind me asking, what did you wear to the interview?"

"Oh, just the usual: my orange fez and Driza-Bone. Why?"

Wednesday

FastCash got a proper job today! We were overjoyed. It's his first proper job in 10 years. But he couldn't tell us what it is.

"I'm a little embarrassed," he said.

This dimmed our enthusiasm. I dreaded it was going to be a variant of Roxy's home lap-dancing visits.

Then suddenly he blurted out: "I'm going to be a life model!"

A great cheer went up. A life model.

"That's really great news," said Yogi. "A model for life!"

"Will you have to pose naked?" asked Roxy, suddenly alarmed.

"Of course. But they said I'll pose in a non-sexual way. I'm going to be a work of art."

The philistine element within the Phantom Day Traders - chiefly Byron Dawn, our leisure industries analyst - stifled their laughter, and joined in our congratulations.

Thursday

My first job application in 10 years was rejected.

"Dear Mr Bone," the company wrote, "we thank you for your interest in the position of Research Assistant to the Investment Analytics Team. We regret that on this occasion your application was unsuccessful. We will keep your details on file should something come up."

Meanwhile, Yogi - whose future as an international marketing executive looks uncertain - has applied for another job, as an ethics co-ordinator, for which he waited a response with great expectations. The advertisement read:

"We are seeking an energetic person to complement our team of dedicated ethics co-ordinators. An ethics co-ordinator is responsible for writing, preparing and co-ordinating ethical standards and liaising with stakeholders. She/he will be a firm practitioner of the Equal Opportunities Code of Practice and will strictly observe the standards of the Ethical Standards Board.

"To be successful in this role you should possess:

PClear evidence of ethical standards

PA dedicated team focus

PA tertiary qualification in ethics, or equivalent

PThe ability to develop relationships and maintain them

PHighly tuned organisational skills

"The successful candidate will be able to demonstrate proven ability across a multi-disciplinary spectrum of skill sets. She/he will be conversant with Excel II and indigenous people. An understanding of Papuan Highland dialects and the gender issues in Japanese-occupied Mukden [Shenyang] will be an advantage."

Drew Watson read Yogi's application with interest.

"Yogi, I see that you understand Papuan dialects around the Fly River flood plain but this job distinctly requires highland dialects. And I'm not sure that a PhD in Asymmetric Fractal Theory will help. But I wish you well. I suggest you wear a suit this time - or something ethical?"

Friday

Yogi was unsuccessful in his application to be an ethics co-ordinator. I'd never seen him so down.

"I'm going back to reading charts," he said, unrolling his 40-year chart of key US shares, which he studied closely, and soon announced: "You know, I reckon we're bumping along somewhere near the bottom."

Meanwhile, we're all under increasing pressure to find proper jobs. Grace, my long-suffering fiancee, is particularly concerned. She won't "watch me fritter away my life", she said.

"Turn your head, then," I suggested.

Anyway, next Monday is the biggest event of the year: FastCash's first day in his job as a life model, to which he has kindly invited us.

© 2008 Sydney Morning Herald

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